Doubt
by Bobbie23
Summary: Short piece about Emily's feelings during a scene from 3x01 'Doubt'.
1. Chapter 1

Doubt

"Why don't you go to the hotel, check in? The hotel isn't going to hold our reservations forever, we'll go in shifts."

She wished he wouldn't act concerned all of the time. There was a moment of awkwardness in the police squad room when he had told her to get some rest. He could have directed the same offer at JJ or Reid, but he didn't. He directed it at her.

"I'll sleep when he confesses," she said tiredly, following Reid out of the room.

From behind her she heard JJ quietly add, "We all will."

Emily rubbed her temple as the headache that seemed to be ever present over the past few weeks since Straus's not so veiled threat started to pound again. The short phone call earlier had been a reminder of what the Section Chief expected of her. She hated politics, and she had no intention of doing what Straus asked her to. There was no way she would be a pawn in Straus's game. In the short few months she had been with the team she felt like she fit. And it felt like she was betraying the acceptance they had shown her by keeping this information from them.

Every time Hotch looked at her she felt like he knew what Straus had asked of her. It felt even worse when Emily realised he expected her to go through with it; he scrutinised her work, questioned every question she asked him. Hotch may have accepted her but he didn't trust her, and while she completely understood why considering her background it was starting to get to her. Emily had already begun putting her plan into motion to rectify that, she had already begun studying for the Foreign Service exam. She didn't want to leave; she loved working with the team. They were different from the colleagues she had worked with before.

Reid was a fascinating person. His childlike appearance disarmed many a seasoned agent, who stepped back in wonder when he began to recall one of the many statistics he held in his brain. While growing up, Emily had moved around so much she never had any friends to confide in. JJ and Garcia had already set about remedying that.

Being the newest member of the team, Gideon had put her through her paces and was starting to include her in the team briefings. Gideon wasn't an open individual, and the emotional turmoil he experienced recently was beginning to show. As someone who only just been working with him for a few months, Emily didn't feel like she could approach him to offer an ear to listen.

And that left the dilemma she was facing at that moment in time. Derek Morgan. The man whose reputation preceded him. A reputation she quickly found was a front he liked to uphold, but was completely untrue. Sure, he probably had his fair share of female companionship. But he was a genuine guy, a good guy. On more than one occasion, Emily found her imagination wandering, imagining what it would be like on the receiving end of one of his 'lines'.

He made her feel welcome, offering her chance to open up without judgement. Soon after meeting him she reluctantly she told him about a disastrous date, referring to a favourite author, only to be surprised when he finished her quote. All of a sudden the innocent flirting and teasing they exchanged took on a whole other dimension as her intrigue was sparked.

She had resolutely told herself he was off limits. They all made her feel welcome. But it was the concern in his voice when he told her to go to the hotel a few moments ago that had nearly been her undoing. It made her want to rethink her resignation, hoping they, he, wouldn't think less of her if it ever came to light what Straus had asked of her.

"Hey Emily," Emily sighed as she heard Morgan calling out her name. JJ continued to follow Reid, shooting a confused glance at Emily as she passed her. Emily turned expectantly to Morgan as he caught up with her. "Are you okay?" His hand touched her elbow gently, and she quickly glanced down at it but didn't shake him off.

Emily fought to control her expression as the headache surged again. "Yeah," she assured him. "I've just got a headache." The concern in his expression deepened, as he gave her another once over.

"You sure? Because you're never this quiet. If you wanna talk…" Emily waved him off as his hand dropped, flashing what felt like the first genuine smile in days.

"No I'm fine, I promise," she lied. The fact that he cared enough to question her denial touched Emily, but only served to reaffirm what she already knew in her mind. She didn't want to betray them. Emily could see the doubt in his eyes as he seemingly let the subject drop. He looked a little disappointed as he returned to the task he had been doing before he had approached Emily. Just as he was retaking his chair, Emily called out to him. "Morgan," he looked up from his file. "Thank you," she said sincerely.

His teeth flashed as he smiled at her. "Always." Continuing out of the room, Emily sighed. Sometimes she wished he would live up to the reputation.

For the second time in a few months, she would be moving on. Doubt weighed on her mind as she thought of the changes the next few weeks would bring. She doubted whether she could bring herself to write her resignation letter and leave the few people who had ever accepted her for who she was and not who they wanted her to be.

_Author Note – Hope you enjoyed it, if you have a few moments let me know what you think._


	2. Chapter 2

Author Note – Thanks for all of the reviews, I'm happy you liked it. There may be a third chapter, if you have a few moments I would love to read any comments you have.

Doubt – chapter two

Her fingers felt numb to the scalding water that was washing over them as she scrubbed them clean. She had no idea how long she had been standing there, rinsing the girl's blood from her hands. It was becoming a bit of a habit, washing blood from her hands. No matter what she did, Emily could still feel it running over her fingers. Every time she shut her eyes, she was back in that courtyard. Kneeling over the girl who had been so desperate to end her life she begged a serial killer to do what she couldn't bring herself to. All Emily had thought of all evening was the tearful expression on Anna's face as she plunged the knife into her own stomach.

Emily leant down and gently splashed some water on her face. Bringing up her head, Emily let out a breath as she gazed into the mirror. Anna was so young and couldn't see a way out. Emily recalled a time when she had felt just as desperate, but a good friend had stood by her, helped her out of a situation which signalled the demise of his own faith. For the first time in years, Emily wished Matthew was there to talk to. But his own problems wouldn't have made him the most appropriate confident of a federal agent.

A knock at the bathroom door jerked her from her thoughts of the past. Glancing around, she made her way to the door, pulling it open to reveal Morgan standing there. He had changed clothes; the blood had soaked both of them. Looking down at her clothes, Emily huddled self-consciously next to the door trying to hide the stains on her shirt. She could only imagine what her suit jacket was like.

Morgan cleared his throat and held up the bag he had in his hand, her bag. "Um, I thought you might want to change. Our bags were still in the car, so I grabbed yours too."

Emily looked relieved as she reached out for her holdall. "Thank you," she gave him a tiny smile.

They stood awkwardly for a moment as Morgan's gaze drifted over her face, contemplating for a moment before he spoke again. "How's your head?" He asked quietly, concern dripping from his voice.

Emily's head tilted, resting against the door. "Okay," with all the adrenaline of pursuing Tubs she had ignored the pounding of her head and the pressure Straus was putting her under.

"I'm sorry I called you out in the conference room in front of Reid and JJ," he told her. "But my offer still stands if you ever want to talk, I'm hear."

For a moment she thought about telling him about everything, but didn't want to drag him into the middle of it and risk his career. "It's okay," Emily eventually said and watched as his eyebrow quirked. "I'm just finding it hard to deal with this sometimes. If I'm going to stay, I need to come to terms with it on my own."

His brow creased slightly at her choice of words but he nodded anyway as he let it the comment about staying drop. "Okay, I'll let you get changed. Hotch is handling the hand over to the locals, he needs to be back in DC for a meeting with Strauss." Emily's eyes widened slightly.

She hid her need to know what the meeting was about, but she doubted Morgan would know anyway. There was no doubt he would question why she wanted to know if she did ask. Emily tried to act nonchalant as she spoke, "Oh okay, I'll be there soon to help."

She tried to ignore her curiosity as she quickly changed into some of the spare clothes in her bag. Strauss hadn't called her, but she had obviously found out about the incident with Tubs and Anna. Emily dreaded what would happen next.

The following afternoon, Hotch gathered the team in the conference room to make them aware of his suspension. His sombre tone sounded like he had resigned himself to leaving. He made eye contact with every member of the team, his penetrating gaze barely landing on Emily before he left the room. Gideon trailed behind him, and seconds later everyone jumped as the slamming of the older man's door made the glass shudder.

That evening Emily was scrubbing herself clean once again in the shower, the hot water burning as she continued to rinse her hands, only this time the blood was imaginary. Hotch's. The BAU needed Hotch more than it needed her. Maybe if she had spoken to him about Strauss's request things may have gone differently, maybe both of them could have stayed. But she knew that wouldn't have changed the outcome of the case, the best chance of catching Tubs was to let him go and wait for the copycat killer to approach him.

Eventually the water started to run cold, and Emily shut it off. Drying quickly and changing into her pyjamas, Emily settled at her desk and turned her laptop on. There was no way she could continue in a job where she was expected to spy on her co-workers. She hated politics. Opening a blank document, Emily began to type her letter of resignation as she thought of the many times she had said good bye in the past. This would be by far the hardest farewell she would ever have to make. Maybe she would be able to slip away without anyone noticing.


	3. Chapter 3

Author Note – this is the final chapter. It starts off set in between _Doubt _and _In Name and Blood, _that elusive conversation between Penelope and Emily_._ The scene between Hotch, Strauss and Emily happened in _In Name and Blood, _this is my take on Emily's thoughts during it. Thank you for all of the favourites, followers and reviews, I love reading them. I would love to read your thoughts on the last chapter, so if you have a few moments to leave a review that would be great.

Disclaimer (I always forget this part, sorry) – I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters.

Doubt – chapter three

As she wandered aimlessly down the hall, Emily arm was grabbed as she passed an open door and dragged inside. Her assailant let go of her arm and quickly closed the door behind them. A quick glance around the room, told Emily who had apprehended her. Computer equipment lay scattered on the desks, a big map on the wall. In a flash Penelope Garcia was standing in front of her, flustered from the flurry of activity.

"Are you leaving?" The usually bubbly blonde asked in a rush. "I saw your name on the list for the foreign service exam."

There went her plan of leaving before any one realised what was happening. Emily had stayed the last two weeks so the team wouldn't be understaffed while Hotch was away. Gideon was also absent. He had shut them all out, Reid included. The disruption to the work atmosphere was beginning to take its' toll on Reid, and Emily watched every furtive glance the young doctor had given to his mentors' locked door helplessly over the partition between their desks.

She had timed the submission of her resignation so everyone would be distracted by Hotch's return they would focus less on the fact that she was gone. Emily sighed, her mouth setting a firm line as she inwardly gathered strength and patience to have this conversation.

"Garcia…" she started but the blonde cut her off.

"You are, aren't you?" Knowing there was no way of putting off the inevitable revelation and she was tired of lying, Emily nodded. "But why?" Garcia's voice suddenly took on a high pitch tone, compared to the whispering she had been doing a minute ago.

"Because I'm finding it hard to deal with it all," Emily said weakly.

"But you fit," Garcia said firmly. Emily's confusion showed on her face, so she explained. "Don't get me wrong I liked Elle, she was nice, a bit confrontational. But she didn't quite fit, you do. You can understand what Reid says; who else could have spotted the inner nerd in Derek Morgan; and you're the only woman I know who can go into a bar and find a guy who is pretending to be an FBI agent, and get him to buy us all drinks before exposing him. That night has to the best night out I've had in a long time, and we didn't get past the first sip before we were called in."

Emily smiled indulgently as Garcia breathed heavily after her little speech, remembering the night she was referring to fondly. She would miss Garcia most of all, her ability to see the good in everything never failed to make Emily smile. She was thinking of her response, but apparently Garcia wasn't finished. "You fit," she said added quietly, sadness donning her features. In fact she looked like she was seconds from bursting into tears.

"I'm not sure where I'll end up. We can keep in contact," Emily offered as she steeled herself against the guilt that crashed through her. She didn't want to lose complete contact with them, but she couldn't bring herself to stay while Strauss thought she would be able to manipulate her.

Sensing that Emily's mind was made up, Garcia nodded emphatically. Her mind was racing a mile a minute, she may not be able to convince Emily to stay but she could give her some time to rethink the situation. Once she set up her new office, it was at the top of her list of things to do. "I can't talk you out of it, can I?" Garcia double checked.

Emily sadly shook her head, knowing Garcia probably would be able to if she was given enough time. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Hotch stalking past the window on his way to the bullpen. Taking her chance, Emily moved towards the door. "I have to speak to Hotch," she said pointing at the man.

Garcia nodded, but before Emily reached the door she engulfed her in a hug. "We'll miss you," she told her. Emily tightened her arms around her friend, wondering if it would be the last time she saw her.

By the time she reached Hotch's office, he was already in middle of a conversation with Strauss. As Emily strode through the bullpen she noted the absence of the team. She'd had a few missed calls from JJ, but she had already submitted her resignation.

Walking up the steps to Hotch's office, she mustered all of the confidence she had, hoping the following confrontation would help make amends with Hotch, hoping he wouldn't continue to see her as a spy placed on his team. There was a part of her that was glad Strauss was there, she would have a chance to stand up to the woman and be able to make amends with Hotch, show that she had never betrayed him like he suspected.

Emily walked through Hotch's open door way without bothering to ask for permission to enter. Instantly the two occupants turned to her, Hotch in surprise and confusion, Strauss's steely gaze was initially shocked at the intrusion but Emily could read the annoyance there. As the awkward moment continued Emily saw out of the corner of her eye that Hotch had caught the look as well. Emily's confidence rose when she saw the realisation dawn on his face.

Her spirits were raised when Hotch told her he thought it was a mistake for her to leave the bureau. Turning away from the office a small sense of satisfaction overcame her, but it was diminished as she walked through the deserted bullpen; she knew the team were on their way to a case. Her phone had buzzed several times with missed phone calls from JJ.

A few days later Emily was sat in the back of the ambulance as a paramedic dabbed at the cut on her forehead. She was still dizzy from where the block of wood hit her, but she would be fine. Hotch's assurance that he would make sure she would be able to stay made her finally feel trusted by the Unit Chief. Strauss, who was hovering around her as the paramedic was finishing up, seemed fragile as she processed what she had witnessed during the investigation. Her first-hand knowledge had made her opinion take a complete u turn about the teams' work and needs; but while she understood the need for leeway she wouldn't be able to officially support it. Emily felt sorry for her; it must have been a lot for her to take in. Being in the field was completely different to reading about it.

When Hotch had turned up at her apartment she doubted that she would ever be able to return, doubted she could commit herself emotionally to a group of people who she may have to leave some day. Even though she ended up with another headache it was good to be back, she had missed them in the short time she had been away. As soon as she had taken her place beside JJ in the squad room she felt better, it felt like she was home. Everyone had been happy to see her, them. She would be forever grateful to Garcia for the 'glitches' in the system.

Strauss's phone started to go off and the older woman moved away to answer it. As soon as she was out of ear shot and the paramedic had moved aside to pack away the tools they had used, Morgan took a seat next to her. He had been the most vocal about welcoming Hotch back, and she suspected he had somehow convinced the Unit Chief to retract his transfer request.

"Headaches, huh?" He asked quietly, nodded imperceptibly towards Strauss. Emily's eye followed his and she offered him a grim look and a quick nod.

"I hate politics," Emily said, double checking no one was paying attention to them.

"I know," he said, his arms folding across his chest. "I also know you would never have done what she asked."

Emily offered him a small smile. "I didn't," she promised with a shake of her head.

"I'm glad you came back," he told her after a moment.

"Really?" Her smile was bigger this time.

"Yeah, do you know how hard it is to break in a new partner? Doing it twice in one year would have been a pain in the ass."

Emily tried not to laugh, but the bump of his shoulder against hers tipped her over the edge. A small chuckle escaped and was quickly quashed as Strauss turned sharply to look at them. Her eyebrow raised and they steeled their features. "Thanks Buddy," Emily drawled sarcastically as Strauss turned away from them once again.

"Seriously, though," Morgan started, his tone sincere this time. "I would have missed you Princess."

"I would have missed you too," she admitted.

"Come on," Morgan said as he stood from the back of the ambulance, holding out his hand to Emily to help her stand. "Let's go home."

'Doubts and mistrust are the mere panic of timid imagination, which the steadfast heart will conquer, and the large mind transcend' – Helen Keller


End file.
